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red as the blood you didn't shed 3
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red as the blood you didn't shed - Your name, a long time ago, was Frisk. AU.
3. III
Papyrus, you think, is really nice.
I think he’s kinda dumb, honestly, but nice is close enough I guess.
You don’t protest because you don’t know what to say to that really.
You are laying on the skeleton’s couch. Your body aches horribly from all the moving it’s had to do. Sans is by your feet, your hands splayed out like you were pretending the stars were real. Sans is asleep. You ache too much to sleep.
Dates are a strange concept but Papyrus is nice about it. You couldn’t conceive what he meant, but he figures you’re friends, so you go along with it.
You drift off eventually. Being awake hurts too much.
You dream of Rachel. Her voice, the book with the name she gave you and her advice for you in it every day. You dream of her patting your head and telling you things.
You dream of her dead. You dream of her blood scattered on the grass of the Underground, held down by blue light.
You dream of a skeleton — of Sans — with a single glowing blue eye. You dream of him standing over her, grinning without grinning, happy without being happy.
“Was it worth it?” he asks the corpse that can’t answer. “Was this all worth it, kid?”
She doesn’t answer and he may not be looking at you, but you feel like he might be asking you anyway. Around you, you realize, are piles and piles of dust
Then she wheezes. Her face twists, and Rachel pushes herself back up.
“I’ll know when I get there,” she coughs and she smiles red, a bloody sick red. The single shining eye goes wide and you hold out your hand —
You open your eyes to the smell of something cooking and the blur of Chara’s face in front of you.
That was one messed up nightmare, they say to you and you nod.
You hope that’s all it was.
You turn your head to a sleeping Sans and you hope that’s all it was with all of your heart.
(You’ve never had hope before, it doesn’t seem like it should feel this slimy.)
“Thanks for playing along with my bro, kid,” Sans says as you fiddle with your shoes. You end up stuffing the laces under your feet. Chara laughs at you but doesn’t push. “He’s the coolest, right?”
You nod because he is cool. He’s cool as much as you know what it means anyway. And agreeing is better than being hit.
The grin widens. “You bet. He’s amazing, my bro. Even let you down gently.”
You blink. You still have no idea what you were let down out of.
You don’t wanna know.
Sans takes you to Grilby’s. You manage three bites and stop. You miss the looks the patrons give you, listening to Sans instead. Something about Sans makes your skin crawl and yet want to hug him tight. You don’t think he would appreciate that though, so you don’t do it.
Eventually though, you remember Rachel (how can you forget her, how do you stop thinking of her, you just dreamed of her, how how how) and you feel the urge to go. So you do, with the eyes trailing you the entire way.
Where you enter next isn’t as cold but it’s… beautiful.
And fake, says the ghost. Those aren’t stars at all. Just lights in a ceiling that’s been poked through by time. You can’t even make any constellations now.
You’ve never heard the word constellations before. Even so, you spend a lot of time staring up at that sky, fake and pretty and mesmerizing.
Rachel ought to see it. Maybe you can bring her back here when you’ve fixed things.
You pick yourself up at that thought and you keep walking.
It feels fine, everything feels fine.
Then a chill creeps up your spine.
Run! Chara shouts.
You run.
Your cheek is cut, your clothes are ripped. But you continue to run. The only way is forward. The spears fly after you.
Death is behind you. And yet you are not afraid.
There is something that frightens you more.
Right!
You duck into the grass which is taller than you anyway, but you duck and then go very, very still. You’ve had practice at this. When things hurt too much, hunger and thirst and lack of sleep hurt too much, you’ve gone very very still and let the yawning caverns in your body do all the movement for you. This is easier because someone is beside you.
The monster gets picked up instead and she grins so hugely you think her face will shatter. But they aren’t hurt. No spears, no pain, nothing. Lucky.
It’s cause she’s a monster, Chara supplies. Probably.
You don’t really care what the reason is, you’re just glad you weren’t turned into cheese.
You keep walking once the sound of the hulking footsteps fades away.
There are plaques on one wall you pass. I don’t wanna look at those, Chara tells you and you nod to yourself and don’t look at them, any of them. You do get some nice cream though. All this gold is going to waste with you otherwise. Rachel can use whatever you don’t need but… this feels better. It helps the monsters.
Sap.
You don’t say that that doesn’t make sense because you are not a tree but you think it hard enough that Chara laughs anyway.
Besides, if the monsters like you a bit more, maybe they’ll attack you a bit less and you can leave them faster.
The monsters tend to stop fighting without much fuss too. Onionsan seems lonely, but you can’t swim, so you couldn’t stay with them anyway. And it would probably get lonely for the both of you.
You keep walking.
Water falls on your skin from above. Rain, supplies Chara. They probably have umbrellas up ahead. You nod and pick one up. Then you take another, and walk back the way you came. You set the spare one inside the statue’s hand, open to catch the rain.
A music box begins to play. Your legs feel weak and you sit down to rest them. You rest there for a long time. You’re soaked, but your things are safe so you feel fine.
Then, with a yawn, you rise and keep walking.
The monster kid walks with you, chatters eagerly about things you don’t understand. But you like them, and the company is nice. They aren’t even hurting you, which is different. They even help you up a ledge. You smile a little as they run off, falling a couple of times.
The happiness doesn’t last.
This time, Chara doesn’t have to tell you to run. Actually, they don’t get a chance to.
You wake up by a waterfall sobbing.
And it happens again. And again.
You get faster.
You get more careful.
You die less.
It hurts every time.
The monster in its armor looks at you, a cat yellow eye and shining in the light of pale flowers.
They cut the dock.
You.
Fall.
Again.
You dream.
You dream of a voice. You dream of soft fur on your hands pulling you up from a field of flowers. You hear a name in the distant tickles of your brain. You dream of something warm and far away. You dream of a thing called sunlight.
You dream of Miss Toriel smiling at you. My child, she says and something in your heart aches.
Then you wake up, on flowers and dreadfully sore. Chara is holding your hand as best as they can.
You’re okay?
You manage to shake your head.
Eat something, they say, and you realize.
That was Chara’s memory.
You say nothing and pull out a cinnamon bun wrapped in paper. You eat it slowly and surely, your energy begins to recover. But you are so so tired, a bone deep sort of tired that makes your name waver in your head and your heart struggle.
I guess even monsters can be unkind, says Chara. Even while being kind.
You don’t know what to say to this, you can’t know, you can’t. Everything is so much. Everything is going numb.
You don’t even know if seeing Rachel will make it better anymore.
I don’t think lying here will help much either, Chara tells you. And they’re right. You know that they’re right and you pull yourself up because of it. You start the trudge again.
You like Napstablook.
Mostly it’s because they make the weird mean dummy stop attacking you and yelling at you (your ears are starting to ring the more it goes on and it should be funny but even Chara’s not laughing now, they’re just looking at the dummy with voids for eyes and red pinpricks in the center and chewing over something in their mind) but also because they find some cushions and let you sleep and they look so happy that you’re present the entire time.
But mostly you think it’s because you get to sleep safely.
And when you cry for some reason they cry with you and you’re not sure why but it helps.
You wake up, not refreshed exactly, but it hurts less. You’re starting to accept that “hurting less” is probably as close to happiness as you’re allowed to go down here. Or ever, really.
Maybe you should fight back, Chara says after a moment.
You consider it for a moment. The toy knife is still in your stuff. But ultimately you shake your head. You’re too tired. It wouldn’t do any good. It’s better just to not fight and get out.
Chara nods, resigned. I thought that you’d say that.
“You don’t have to watch,” you mouth, not wanting to disturb Napstablook and the tinny spookwave noises.
Chara regards you and then pats your head with spectral fingers. It’s not like that blondie of yours is here to keep an eye on you. Besides, I’m already here. Might as well stay.
It doesn’t feel like Rachel’s affection at all. For the first time, something feels better than Rachel.
And that starts your tears all over again, with a pain in your chest that’s much, much worse. You didn’t know things could be better than her. You didn’t know things could be worse than not having her. You didn’t know. You didn’t.
Chara simply continues to pet your head. That’s how the Dreemurs made me feel too.
You don’t understand, but you don’t think you’re ready to understand either.
You pull yourself to your feet and thank Napstablook for being kind.
You didn’t know ghosts in sheets could blush, but they do. A small smile covers your mouth.
You are learning so, so much in this world.
You dunno if it’s worth it.
(at least the temmies are cute)
“I guess that makes us enemies now, huh?”
You’re numb again, you didn’t know you could be this cold. It must be all the rain. You just shrug. You don’t know monster kid very well, but you don’t think she hates you enough to be your enemy. But that doesn’t seem to stop anyone in the Underground from hurting you except for like: Papyrus, so. And even Papyrus had to talk himself out of it.
“Man… this sucks. Yo, say something mean so I can hate you.”
You just stare at them and shrug helplessly again. You don’t know anything mean to say so.
They wiggle their tongue behind their sharp teeth. “Man, yo I… I can’t believe I said that. I’m… I think I’m gonna go home. Undyne said not to talk to the human but… man I dunno. Later, yo.”
You wave half-heartedly.
Then they trip and fall and horror grips your throat, breaks the numbness and you run and grab them with all your might and tug them off of the edge of the cliff.
And right when you do, the stomping of metal footsteps reaches your ears.
Chara says a word that you think might be bad but it feels really fitting right now.
Still, monster kid’s legs are shaking as you wheeze for breath. She’s turned towards the footsteps. Her grin is shaky, eyes huge and she won’t stop trembling. But she says,
“Y-yo, if you, if you waannaa… get my friend, you gotta go through me first!”
Your heart blooms with warmth.
And… the monster leaves. The knight leaves.
We’re keeping her, Chara says.
You nod, weakly.
MK leaves after this, with the word friend on her tongue. When you wave goodbye, it feels much lighter.
Maybe she can be friends with Rachel too. And Rachel leaving won’t hurt so much.
The thought of just a little less pain fills you with determination.
So you keep walking now.
“Seven human SOULS and King Asgore will become a god.”
What have the gods ever done? Chara says under their breath, tired. I prayed to God a lot, and all they did was things people should have done. That old fluffball won’t be any different.
You say nothing. You watch Undyne, for that’s who she is. You watch the hero of monsters justify it all.
“We’ve collected six. You understand? With yours, the world will be transformed.”
If you die, these monsters will all be free.
Good luck with that. Chara’s bitterness grows like bile in your throat.
Then Undyne screams, a bellow of rage that makes you wince.
“You’re standing in the way of everyone’s hopes and dreams,” she shouts and it hurts. She hurls words at you that you don’t understand and screams. “You know what would make everything better? IF YOU WERE DEAD!”
You don’t flinch. You say nothing. Your hands curl into fists slowly. You swallow the lump in your throat.
It’s not true, Chara says wearily. But you can tell the words hurt them way more than they hurt you. Because you don’t really have worth anyway. You don’t have much anyway. All you are is useful to Rachel, and therefore it doesn’t really matter what she thinks. And you’re not useful to Rachel dead.
(It does, it does, it cuts deeper than any knife, than any spear to be hated like this.)
She’s still screaming, still talking, but all of it feels irrelevant.
“You’re… in my way,” you finally say, and you’re not sure where the urge comes from. ‘I have to go back to where I came from… and you’re all in my way!’ You’re not angry, but you’re upset and tired and hurt and something is going to give. “Someone is waiting for me, someone is worried about me! I just want to go back to her!”
There’s something sparkling at your sternum, something heavy and weighted and filling up your soul.
This is determination.
She laughs. The wind is howling.
“No more running away,” she barks, like a dolphin.
You swallow and Chara’s spectral form slides into your physical one.
Let’s give it a shot.
You both mess up hard. Your soul is supposed to be red, not green.
It hurts but you wake up where you were before, and try again.
This time you manage to get away, forming the spear in hand and deflecting others speeding around you. It’s hard and you wince in pain, but you throw a candy into your mouth with your fumbling fingers as Chara bounces your feet about to get the rhythm.
She reaches you again. Your legs are too short.
“Killing you is a MERCY,” she tells you. You want to laugh and you have no idea why. Probably because Chara is laughing.
Anime heroism at its most crappy! They shout, right as a spear goes right through your spine and you die.
“Ow,” you say when you wake up again.
It’s not the last time you die, but the patterns get easier. Or maybe she gets more predictable, you have no idea.
Then one of the spears moves starts curling in the air and you find yourself learning how to backflip.
Chara, at some point in the many times you die trying to not die, starts wheezing laughter.
You’re gonna wanna try parkour when you get outta here.
It shouldn’t be funny but for some reason hearing that makes you let out hysterical giggles. And you die again.
Crap, sorry, Chara says and you know they are and you know this is awful but you just cannot stop laughing because this is awful, this is all awful how is this place okay with this? How are they fine with this?
(It doesn’t occur to you for a long time that they might not be but how would it now?)
Papyrus calls you at one point and she stops, she actually stops and you listen to him while screaming internally because your body is running a thumping high adrenaline and you’re trying very hard not to giggle. So you make appropriate noises of agreement and interest and contain the urge to cry and laugh at the same time and the two impulses scare you a lot.
But you manage to get away, dodging and leaping and running. She’s starting to slow and you’re not.
Armor, Chara wheezes. Keep going!
You do, until finally, with the blazing heat and weird stuff below you, she collapses on the bridge.
And… you almost keep walking. You almost do but…
But you just can’t.
You go to the water cooler and grab some water and dump it on her. A few times even.
And she gets up slowly, looks at her surroundings, and just… walks away.
You collapse onto the ground once she’s gone.
… Okay that was awful but also super cool right?
You can’t even nod but they’re right. Undyne is nuts and mean and terrifying… but that whole thing was kind of awesome.
Except the dying.
(Something is wrong with you, something is very, very wrong with you.)