aiko's otter den - firelight commentary

Oof. Hoo boy.

This is a doozy. I have well, I have vaguely written smut before, implied sexual content, rp stuff with a friend, but not... not like this. It was always impulsive, spur of the moment stuff and that friend's not around anymore... ANYWAY. Not gonna focus on that, this is about firelight.

(As a warning, there will be a lot of mentions of the unposted sequel here.)

I'm putting it on record now. This was supposed to be a oneshot. but at the time I was too nervous about writing smut with these two dunderheads so by the time I got to where I intended the start of the smut to be, I backed out but also in my mind Khun backed out. So I extended it into this. Oops.

A bit ago, I wrote a oneshot called "a fingertip apart" for resiotcage. It was me flexing my fluff muscles after a lot of angst, which lbr is still a thing. I really enjoyed that fic, and I wanted to do more with it. Cue this responsive gift exchange thingie. Namine had written me a 7k iirc smut fic. I had to return the favor and the prompt was "Bam needed to practice kissing for his Valentine's Day date and Khun helped" I think. Or something like that. And I went, Oh so I guess I gotta write the smut now.

Hahaha and now look at me. Jas don't look at me.

Okay okay so I need to stop and say, trans!Bam has been sitting in my head rent-free, for months. Trans Bam, enby Bam have been playing in my head since I started windswept night. Moreso enby Bam with windswept but in particular, this hc holds a special place in my heart that cannot be defeated. And so when approaching it I had to uh, take it into my own context. I am... probably enby. I had a trans parent and grew up around and with the community. My experiences are not universal, but they are my experiences with gender and sexuality and the fluidity of that. That's why trans!Bam. That's also why autistic!Bam. okay going off a tangeant again.

There were a few important things I wanted this fic to do. I did not want this to end khunbam's story. I didn't think one instance of fucking could. I wanted it to be the start of something. I wanted to explore that Khun and Bam have differing experiences and baggage with sex and dating and that that was okay. Bam being sexually active is something I've thought about both in a horny context and in a personal one. To me the idea of being someone's first has its place for some characters and may not be significant for others. For Bam I don't think a lot of societal hangups work or make sense. He wasn't raised with society's values. He was raised with Rachel's values/potentially Arlene's values and learned new things as he came across them and took them into himself. For Khun I think that is significant. Because his father has devalued sex and relationships and families and all of that so heavily, even without it being obvious. The fact that there are children dying over someone else's power struggle alone says all of that. So for Khun, this situation will mean more than it would for Bam, who simply grew from his experiences.

They had to learn those differences exist and come to terms with it. And that's just starting.

I also wanted for Bam to accept Khun. We have a lot of Khun feelings in this fic, and a few of Bam's. A lot of ToG people say is that Khun accepts Bam for who and what he is and just wishes it was happier. Bam also tends to accept Khun and support him and the things he cares about, but it's not expressed canonically very well. So I wanted Bam to have the opportunity to accept and support Khun. This isn't over, not by a long shot for either of them, but I thought they needed baby steps.

Why was it Elaine? Tbh I didn't think Endorsi would be a good fit, and most of the others would be unavailable, even of the dudes. So Elaine. Hey SIU what did Elaine, Hockney, and Bam do for three years????

Elaine/Hockney good btw.

Also I wanted this test to be something stupid and commercialized so you got Dates! Livestreamed Edition. Urgh, gross.

This is kinda a different relationship, Khun/bam I mean. They've already lived together, fought together, supported each other, but they aren't open with each other. They tiptoe around the difficult conversations, or may not even know how to have them. A lot of this fic, of the labor, is really done by Bam. And yeah, that's not great. It's an unfortunate thing! But that's because they're in different places and to Bam, there is no reason to hesitate if the opportunity is there because he's had the time he has to think about Khun in that way without it being tinged with the other being dead or thoughts of vengeance or someone else Khun's coma was devastating, but Bam did not stay and wait for it to change. He had time and he used it. Was all of it wholesome? Well... no. The idea of shame has never existed in Twenty-Fifth Bam before and it won't start now. So down the line, Khun has to continue his work in this and become better at the emotional conversations. And that's actually okay. Relationships are learning. Bam is also learning like Khun is.

I really didn't want this to come off as a "sunshine and rainbows" relationship thing but I Think for Khun, it may seem that way? It's not that Bam can do no wrong in his eyes, but it's that the wrong Bam does is negated often by the good he does (in theory). Once again, Bam seems very grounded. That's because of a lot of things, but I can't help but think Bam is kinda... like that? He seems like the outburst berserker but his temper tends to run cold and Khun's hot. Khun just has a lot of feelings. Khun is a fun character. It's a shame he's smart for plans, but he has zero impulse control. Bam doesn't lack impulse control, he lacks control of his life. Hahaha.

I got a lot of comments about how this fic feels like it's about people and how they act and that's kind of my favorite thing?? My goal isn't just characters interacting, it's people doing their thing, doing things that people do. So I'm glad that comes off even in my attempts at sex scenes.

I wrote the entire last chapter like: today, or at least the back half. Smut is hard for me.

I'm gonna ramble a bit more but like: the masturbation scene. This was so funny to me. Like the way that Khun is just wholly frustrated that he's horny for his best friend but also horny for his best friend and trying not to sexualize him (there's a lot of Khun avoiding thinking about Bam's chest which was something I enjoyed because Bam will freely say he's into Khun's so I'm sorry Khun) but at the same time Bam is attractive to him and he's young by tower standards and therefore horny. SO Bam walking in on Khun masturbating is just this confirmation for Bam that oh hellow, my best friend is dirty because of me. He might like me. Awesome! And Khun is like, no no no abort mission, abort.

And then they bang. Like reasonable people.

The last chapter was all mostly planned too. I knew the second date would be khunbam because it was a bit of a bookend. The ending scene was not in my head but I wanted Rak back in there because Rak is a good dude.

Uh... hm. I'm almost done. I'm tired fam.

Anyway, about the sequel! Yes there is a sequel. It'll either be much longer or a long oneshot, no in between. I have ... multiple POVs planned. Because other ships will be getting focus and they need time. This fic is about floor 69. Yeah it's horny floor time. But it's a lot about the floor before it, floor 68, and the preparations of other characters. Fuck or Die on its own? Yeah sure fun trope, quick times. But I want to do more than that. The fact is, they're stuck on a floor where they're supposed to bang on and off for a month. There is plot to this, there is growth to this, there are risks for this. I want to explore the ramifications of such a story. Eventually. I have uh, other things to do rn but I will get to this. There is one more fic after it iirc and all I can say is WEDDING HELL. That is all.

If you've read firelight and my rambling to the end, thank you so much. And thank you to namine, who helped this thing to exist. You all mean a lot to me tog fandom. Let's hear it for another year.